no_cash_value's Journal

a little bit of hardcore, metal, christmas carols, and pure talent with just a touch of insanity
katie and i went to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert tonight. It was amazing. The light show in addition to the performance was amazing. Everything was amazing, it was possibly the best live performance i have ever seen and my eyes and ears are a little bit damaged because of it.

On a different note..

I feel like i just took a shot to the chest and I know its no one's fault but my own. I guess i just had hope and believed in something that wasn't there. I had my reasons but maybe i just wanted to believe that there was something there so badly that i ignored the signs. This is what i get for being optimistic and eager, believing that all the words that were meant for him could possibly have been meant for me. So where am I now? I was so ready to drop everything and go for her... what a ridiculous move. It wasn;t love, jus infatuation.. I don't know what love is, i believe in it, but dont know what it is. It must be great to know someone so well and accept them to the point that you want to spend the rest of forever with them. I knew she was too good to not have another guy already after her...
Second place is unsurprisingly unfulfilling.

still looking for the right girl,
-somekidnamedzach-

Current Mood: Excited yet Crushed
Current Music: Work--Jimmy Eat World

i want you to want me, i need you to need me..
its christmas eve... actually it's christmas now, its 1:19 am.. i should probably go to bed but i cant sleep. i'm not even excited about christmas, i'm just thinking about her. i went skiing today and messed up my leg a little bit but it was still fun. then i came home and sat at my computer doing absolutely nothing for 6 hours just talking to people and waiting for her to get on. i am really not looking forward to going to church tomorrow morning. well, i'm going to bed so merry christmas all.

my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me
so won't you kill me?
so I die happy
-somekidnamedzach-

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Surrender--Cheap Trick

..i'm blacking out and my vision's spinning, but girl, i know you're beautiful tonight..
..because you're always beautiful.

wow, i'm tired. we lost the lacrosse game and it was really disappointing.. i took it really hard and i don't know why. then i got back at 10:40 and finished some homework, i still have to finish my stupid lab. I'm really hoping for a snowday tomorrow but who knows. I hate writing these entries so vague but as of right now I can't say anything about what I'm thinking because all my thoughts are concentrated on pretty much one subject. It really is a big deal, its not a bad thing, I just can't be any more specific than that as of right now. I probably sound like a douche bag.

until i find out what to do with myself,
-somekidnamedzach-

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Touch Me---FB

..of all the places i could learn to fall in love..
so things have been good lately. really good actually. i'm trying to figure something out right now. Listening to some motion city soundtrack. Oh, if you're reading this for an interesting read, it's probably not going to be. I'm just sitting here writing because I have time to kill before my lacrosse game but not enough time to see the orchestra concert. Just switched the music to Of all the Gin and Joints in the World--Fallout Boy. Sigh, what a title lol. Two things that i will never touch. Why am i writing this? I'm so bored. I have so much to say but i don't really feel the need to put it down here.
wow, i'm really going to stop writing. just thought i'd throw something down so my account doesn't get deleted. drews did and now i can't get his email :-/

5 days
-somekidnamedzach-

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Sophmore Slump or Comeback of the Year--Fallout Boy

New York City was amazing
'Latin Club,' which doesnt exist by the way, went to New York City saturday and it was great. I hung out with Val, Sara, and Sam who i just met. We hung out the entire time and did some power shopping. We saw Chicago too which was amazing. The ensemble was awesome and the vocals were great. we had nosebleed seats but it was nice because of how the theatre is constructed so we had a really good view of all the action. We went to Macy's and bought coffee and H&M. I found a nice jacket but i wouldnt have had money for food if i had bought it. I might still get it, idk. We were with the highpowered women shoppers. It was crazy. We took the subway too, it was intense. We went to see the tree at rockefeller center, its huge. Then we all piled back on the bus and val, sara, sam, and I sat in the 3 person seat. It was fun lol. I definately hope they do the trip next year.

off to do hw
-somekidnamedzach-

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Everything is Alright--Motion City Soundtrack

in shorter words... SHUT UP!
I am sick of you. So damn sick of your drama. You don't realize that drama doesn't just coincidently show up wherever you do, but that you make the drama.

Current Mood: crappy

try to show some restraint, we know you want publicity
Semi-formal last night was the greatest time I've had this school year. some people didn't think so but those people should learn to have some fun. The DJ was great except for the sound system was a bit weak, but it got the job done. The food wasn't the greatest either but honestly, who went their for the food? So most of us showed up in suits and ties and most of us left in our undershirts and suit pants. You really don't get any better than that. I saw Todd, the trainer, and he asked me about my leg which feels fine now. Coach B. was their too, it was cool to see him. So I danced a lot, and some kid successfully crowd surfed, it was great. I heard some kid was arrested but knowing how stories like that get passed around, the one I heard was probably extremely out of proportion. I heard the story from the same person twice and the second time it was even more dramatic so who knows what happened, some kid probably had his hat taken away or something. Dom helped me meet some people, it was pretty sweet. It was intensely hot, in multiple ways, on the dance floor. The floor was shaking, it was pretty intense. Then afterwards we went to Chris' for french toast, and as Lucas and I guessed, sausage AND bacon. It was great. Then I almost fell asleep. Then I went home around 2 and watched Clerks uncut. It was a great ending to the night lol.
Just remember that ten years from now
no one will even remember
the names of the people they danced with,
the songs the DJ played,
what food was served,
where their table was located,
what they wore,
or even who they went with.
what they will always remember is
the hype and the excitement,
the heat,
and the good times
so if you don't have a good time, what's there to remember?

-somekidnamedzach-

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Sophmore Slump or Comeback of the Year--Fallout Boy

nice to know that no matter what i do, i'll always be second best in your book...
sometimes people say things that really hurt. like just hurt. like fuck. and i got one of those today like a good square kick in the mouth. idk.. i'm probably good for a couple more this side of sunday. I'm not one of those 'too many heartbreaks' kind of guys. I don't really believe that having a broken heart should make you afraid to get back up and try someone new. i don't really know what to do with myself right now cuz i have mixed signals flying from all directions. i have nothing more to say.
stabby rip stab stab,
-somekidnamedzach-

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: here's your letter -- blink182

consider this my resignation
football is over. forever. I'm done with it, I can't even stand the sport anymore. I never liked to watch it, but now I hate to play it, I hate everything involved with it because of this stupid season. This will not be an experience I will forget, as much as I would like to nor will it be something I regret, but it has become something that thoroughly disgusts me. There are some people in this world that view highschool football as a privelege and an honor, but that is apparently not the case here. Here its about being the biggest, fastest, strongest, and wealthiest. The whole athletics department is slanted towards the football program and even more so the varsity, but I won't get deep into that at this point in time. My only concern now is that I won't have enough to do to occupy my time.

i don't understand what you see in him...
-somekidnamedzach-

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: dance dance -- Fallout Boy

Who would have figured this could be so great?
For the first time in a while - a long while - i don't have a thing for anyone and I don't really intend to try to find someone to like. Whats the point? I'm happy the way things are right now and I have a lot of other things to worry about. Not to say that I would reject the next girl that comes my way, but I'm not about to throw my life into finding someone I like. I know, this is incredibly different than my recent entries but part of the reason I've been down was because I was trying to look for someone to like. Now I realize that's not what's important right now and I feel so relieved and laid back. I really hope this feeling sticks around for a while, only time will tell I suppose.

Consider this a letter that i never sent
-somekidnamedzach-

Current Mood: relieved
Current Music: Secondary -- Brand New

I swear that I can go on forever again
I spent my day like I spend most of my free nights. Chasing old flames and looking for new ones which will never happen. I got stranded in Cicero for two hours last night. It really wasn't fun at all. I stood on a street corner with Nick in the cold across the street from a Hitchcockesqe house. I miss the way some things used to be [to go on a tangent.] I lost touch with a lot of people over the transition from last year to this one. People changed, I changed too. Thinking back a year or two, I miss the days we used to spend saying, yeah we'll never get involved with drugs and we could go out and have a good time. Not that I ever got involved, but people did, and it destroyed relationships. Still, with all these changes, people in general haven't changed, and it's surprising. People make things as dramatic as they could be, it's just obnoxious and no one wants to hear it, or at least I don't. I tired of this alone feeling that's been haunting me. Everywhere I go I feel like a third wheel, like I'm only there for someone else's benefit. I also regret something with every bit of my soul but I know I can't take it back. I pushed someone away and now I don't even remember why. Typical me to push away the things that make me happy... If I had listened, if I hadn't been so arrogant, had I realized then what I realized now, maybe they'd still be there.
But those are regrets, and they've moved on, and maybe eventually i will too.

Why am I never satisfied?
-somekidnamedzach-

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Marching Bands of Manhatten -- Death Cab for Cutie

This was never my style, but forgiveness never was yours...
Well, i had a whole long entry written but got deleted so forget it. Just one message to one person [and its not any of you so don't get defensive or you'll look like an idiot and don't ask who it is.]

I hate you. You're fake. You lie to everyone to make yourself look like the good guy. You alienate me, you ridicule me like you're something special. Like you yourself aren't scum to your upperclassment. Like you're above the world. How I'd like to bring you back down. How I'd like to have my words but you won't give me the respect of exchanging a salutation. You won't make eye contact. You don't acknowledge my existence. Well you're gone to me, just a fling.. You already lied to the world and now you're denying it by lieing to everyone again. By lieing to my friends, making me look bad. Trying to make me hurt. I hope you're happy, because you fascinate me. I thought people outgrew this sort of thing. I guess you didnt...

If you want an appology, look for someone who did something wrong
-somekidnamedzach-

Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: Feeling This--Blink 182

He does everything I ever intended to but couldn't..
This isn't one of those political entries...

He's the one who was there when i couldn't be, who took my place in the script. I feel so written out, so last year... about everything. Football is horrible. I'm trying so hard to make coaches notice me, i've beaten one of my competitors for my offensive and defensive position and he's still a string above me. I only play on special teams, I guess I'm lucky to have playing time... I don't really feal like saying any more. Don't comment, it's a bad entry.

-somekidnamedzach-

Current Mood: crappy

Wow, this is getting ridiculous.
Alright, I'm starting to get agitated with this whole thing which is partially the reason i decided not to get involved up until now. I wouldn't say this is an addition to my argument so much as a resolve to it because I don't have the time or the patience to put up with a bunch of emails either defending me or attacking me. I'm entitled to my opinions and to tell you the truth I'm not quite solid on what my opinions are and therefore am not trying to tell anyone that mine are right. I've left myself wide open by saying this, but I am hoping that Juicebox and any affiliates will be mature enough to accept this as a resolve and an attempt to smooth things over. I don't mind the healthy debates but these things just get far too vicious and personal. If we are to debate, which i do enjoy when it's not vicious, why not just state the facts and not bring this to a personal level where people will become offended. I don't want Juicebox or any others who may put up a strong factual debate to discontinue their comments, they really do make me think and reconsider things and also help me build on my beliefs. I would, however, like people to stop defending me and trying to emotionally damage one another because it really is ridiculous and it drags the whole discussion down. So, if I were to post some more topics, perhaps we could have some real debates and discussions and step away from this immature verbal bludgeoning. In my previous entries I have also connected my personal life directly to my views which i aim to avoid so that in the future i am not so hot headed in my replies. I only want to stop these ridiculous fights and possibly do something useful with this blog.

-somekidnamedzach-

Current Mood: irritated
Current Music: say anything -- alive with the glory of love

we could see the world tonight..
so, things have been different. I'm single now. Its fun. i was thinking about listing some new accomplishments in here tonight but decided against it. like anyone reads this unless they want to yell at me about my political views or something. i feel like i'm in a dream. its fealt like this for the past few days, i just need to snap out of it. It probably has something to do with football and stuff sucking so bad right now. who knows. idk, i just fealt like writing somethign but i'm burnt out.
gnight
-somekidnamedzach-

Current Mood: exhausted

You read me like a book..
"You read me like a book but you failed to see between the lines and understand everything i ever wanted to tell you but couldn't because neither one of us could stand it so now as we stand here you still don't understand why she's in the passenger seat and you're in the gutter but the signs were there all along and i don't have pity anymore!"

sweet

I want to enlist. I want to join the military, preferably airforce. That or the Army. I'm not a Navy kind of guy. This whole thing with the Iraqi conflict is pissing me off and i want to be a part of the cause that will put a stop to the pussies that are terrorist organizations. I want to blow they're fucking heads off. They attack us, and then they hide. So today i'm watching a TV special on 9/11 and then FBI reps. come on and say, 'they didnt kill enough people for the american people and the president to get the point, we need another 9/11 but bigger and more destruction.' That pisses me off. why? because its partly true, we didnt get the point, if we did get the point we'd have scoured every inch of the middle east. We have the technology. Infrared cameras, sonar to detect underground caverns, the manpower, the firepower, AI robots, remotely controlled spy devices and what are we doing? Sitting on our asses around and embassy like sitting ducks as car bombers kill our boys! What's the president doing? Sending more men to do the same thing, jack shit! I am a fan of george bush and i really hope i'm misunderstanding something because this doesn't make sense to me. Something needs to get done, and when things start getting done, i want to become a part of that movement, not this.

I dont understand
what it is you want
from me. Am I your
silver medal 2nd pick?
Or am i just the cheap
jacket you keep around
for your nights on the town.

-somekidnamedzach-

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Poison Girl - HIM

i'm a free fall, you're a bungee jump
i really don't know what to write without starting some fight with some moron or getting hit or yelled at or asked 'is this about me !(($#*@#($^.' no it's not about you, its not about anyone, its not personal so dont pretend that it is. Dont think that its important because this isn't. fuck, i cant fucking say any fucking shit without fucking getting some fucking asshole bitching at me! FUCK! well i dont care, i'll go offend some people, and i'll let other people deal with your fucking comments. I find women to be evil, in the words of Peter Griffin, 'What do you want Lindsay Lohan, Huh? Nothin, thats what you want because we all know that no woman actually wants to have sex with any guy!' Not that i'm saying that i want to have sex with every woman i see, but gosh, they're such teases. Then the ones that arent teases fuck everything they see. Theres no good median. Also, you know what else pisses me off? Drugs. And dont tell me i dont know shit because i dont do them and havent because i've been around people who do drugs and i dont know what being high is like but i hope it feels better than it looks because it turns people into dumb shits and assholes and then people use it as an excuse after they've come down. Yeah, fuck that. Fuck that. You probably dont know who thats about and if you think its about you you're probably wrong. Another thing i dont like is people who believe in sugar highs and other such related bullshit. Yes, you do become energetic but its not fucking mind altering, it just creates energy but you're mind is working fine.

Safe people kind of bother me too. Not to say i havent been safe a few times and sat out a few rounds of apple throwing and cardboard fire lighting, but i wouldnt say i jump with a parachute.

I also don't fucking like it when people swear all the fucking time, fuck. actually i dont care.

wow that was anal, fuck it.

you talk tough but you bleed easy,
-somekidnamedzach-

Current Mood: cold
Current Music: the song you misquoted and misunderstood

she'll be right here in these arms..
The sun sets. Darkness descends. A chill runs through you as you break the dark earth. You descend in your hole to the bowels of hell. 6 feet deep, no, better make it 7, but make it quick, i want to be in hell for dinner. Climb out like i never will if you're lucky. If you do this thing right you can get on with my life. Better keep this under wraps as not to make a mess. Drop me off like a package at the post office. Just like that. Lay down some lime and concrete.. slows decomposition. They wont notice this for at least a year. You know you should book, but it's too great, you living my lie. You know i'll be there because a lie isn't a lie without a secret. I'm your secret.

Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: Right Here In These Arms -- HIM

you still fail to see that the obnoxious things you do don't make you individual
been thinking a lot lately. people I know can be really dumb at times. i was told the other day that religion and politics should never be brought up in conversation. honestly, what the fuck? i verbally lashed him to no end. this is why people bitch about the government, because they are ignorant to the government and then they either don't vote or vote with faulty knowledge of the candidates and then they bitch when they get screwed over by another asshole in office. Then the guy tells me that he'd rather go to prison before he went to war. Wow.. i'm not going to go right out and join the military but if they ever bring back a draft or I feel that our country is in serious jeopardy, i wont sit around and watch in happen. People died for this country, people like you and me with family's and friends. People had to go through so much pain to keep us free, isn't it our duty to do the same? I'd rather die before i let this country fall to the enemy. Wow, i probably sound like some hopeless patriot, o but weren't they all? secondly i'm still super tense and thats bad but as hard as i try to let loose a bit, people keep holding me back and i think its because i care a little too much about what other people think so fuck that. I'll act however i want around my friends and if they can't deal with that then i dont need them. I don't care if you think i'm immature, maybe guys like me dont want to grow up. This is the greatest time of my life. I dont hafto pay for food or rent and i can pretty much do whatever i want. Why get older? You just end up degenerating physically and you hafto work and fuck man, don't give up your youth. We don't need jobs yet, we're still kids, we can scrape for cash and we'll make it. Worry about cash when you're parents kick you out. Until then, live on, live hard, heal fast.

Off to earn the next scar,
-SomeKidNamedZach

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Pressing On -- Relient K

we used this song to lead you on..
:: i learned a lot today
not sure if i'll get laid and
not sure if i'll fail or pass
kissed every girl in class ::

zach needs a fucking massage and someone to talk to who will listen for a damn minute and also he needs to stop talking in third person. i am so damn sore and tense and anxious. maybe i'll catch fire.. haha.. woo.. no. joe was right, so totally right. i think one of my ulcers opened up today becuz my abs burned like they havent in months.
so i've come to the conclusion that coming to conclusions and then stating them in the way i just did is a horrible way of going about your life and yes i know thats a hypocritical statement and its meant to be but the second part is quite true.

so if i smoked, i would like you to find me a 2 foot long cigarette. mesothelioma sux.
gnight.

no comments related to this entry please
just comment if you want to talk or something

Current Mood: stressed
Current Music: Purple Suit Roadtrip -- No Cash Value

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